INTRO:
My name is Holly. I am a slightly crazy 48-year-old mother of 3 beautiful children. I am also happily married to an amazing man. Yeah, blah blah blah, but as you can see, I have a LOT of blessings in my life currently. Things would be practically perfect if I could get to my IDEAL WEIGHT. I guess most of us want that right???Believe or not, I used to weigh almost 500 pounds back in 2015. Yeah, you read that right. 480 pounds my friends. Most scales don’t even go up that high! Yeah, I was a fatty people!
So far though, I've lost a person (well 2 if they were kids) thanks to my vigorous efforts and a fantabulous weight loss surgery. This journey is far from over though…damnit. I still have a ways to go. I’ve got about 70-80ish more pounds to ditch as well as oodles of oh-so-floppy excess skin.
So far, it has been quite the transformational journey into becoming a healthier and happier me, but it ain't over yet (even though I sometimes sing). Like most of us, I’m a work in progress bitches.
I get a lot of questions about my journey. Many are about how I got there. I mean, how does one get to nearly 500 pounds??? It is an excellent question.
LIFE AT ALMOST 500 LBS:
Before we get into all the drama of my childhood (see next blog), I want to share what it was like at my highest weight. And I can honestly tell you that now being around half the size I once was, there is a dramatic difference – its HUGE just like my ass-ha pun intended.
Let’s be honest carrying ANY extra weight around just sucks but once you tip the scales of 300+ your life starts becoming more hellish. It’s something of a living nightmare. I mean I was pretty damn close to the "My 600 Pound Life" stage of not being able to get out of bed.
It always moves me to hear about their tragic childhood stories – it can even be ultra-depressing sometimes, right? One thing I’ve noticed is that usually they have experienced something terrible such as a death or some horrific abuse. Most of them haven’t had an easy life by any means.
When I started watching the show at first, I definitely felt empathy for their situations and their past etc and for sure I still do (I’m not a total psychopath-just a slightly so), but sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder how they let it get so very bad – you know to the point where they could barely get out of bed anymore. How does that happen – perhaps you've wondered the same thing if you watch the show or even just anytime you see a heavy person somewhere.
And these poor people are usually not that pleasant to be around which is no wonder considering their quality of life and how someone else has to do practically everything for them. Many can’t even move and the oozing sores they get on their legs etc – yeah..... there are some super cringe-worthy moments, shitty as it is to say that.
I’m actually ashamed of ANY criticism on my part, for who am I to judge anyone, especially concerning weight issues for hells sake when I was once almost 500 pounds myself. I’m not oblivious to the irony here.
It seems the method they chose to cope with their shitty life was food. That has been my vice as well - certainly. It took me quite some time though to realize that although I was never bed-ridden like some of them, at almost 500 pounds I was pretty damn close. Much closer than I was willing to admit. The heavier I got, the more miserable I was making my life, just like them.
I didn’t realize I was getting closer and closer to that point. So that is why I think it can sneak up on you. For a heavy person, I’ve typically been pretty active throughout the years even carrying a lot of extra weight. I was still playing soccer at 300 pounds after all. I'm just kind of crazy like that. But when I gained that last bit of weight something changed. My life was starting to become truly unbearable – physically and emotionally. Previously, due to luck, genetics, and possibly my sporadic and numerous diet and exercise programs, I was able to avoid most of the typical problems or co-morbidities associated with the morbidly obese (isn’t that a fun term to say-you so don’t want to know what I said to a doctor once who called me that).
At my very heaviest weight, shit started to hit the fan. My health was really starting to deteriorate. I was super lucky it hadn’t previously. But suddenly I had fun health issues like high blood pressure, pre-diabetes and sleep apnea. It was finally really hitting me - the consequences of my overeating.
Physically it became excruciatingly painful just to move….at all. Oh how I remember that miserable time in my life. I mean at 300 it wasn't easy, but I got along okay. But it got to an unbearable stage.
I didn’t realize I was getting closer and closer to that point. So that is why I think it can sneak up on you. For a heavy person, I’ve typically been pretty active throughout the years even carrying a lot of extra weight. I was still playing soccer at 300 pounds after all. I'm just kind of crazy like that. But when I gained that last bit of weight something changed. My life was starting to become truly unbearable – physically and emotionally. Previously, due to luck, genetics, and possibly my sporadic and numerous diet and exercise programs, I was able to avoid most of the typical problems or co-morbidities associated with the morbidly obese (isn’t that a fun term to say-you so don’t want to know what I said to a doctor once who called me that).
At my very heaviest weight, shit started to hit the fan. My health was really starting to deteriorate. I was super lucky it hadn’t previously. But suddenly I had fun health issues like high blood pressure, pre-diabetes and sleep apnea. It was finally really hitting me - the consequences of my overeating.
Physically it became excruciatingly painful just to move….at all. Oh how I remember that miserable time in my life. I mean at 300 it wasn't easy, but I got along okay. But it got to an unbearable stage.
I'm ashamed at how bad I let it get, at what I let myself suffer for it. CONFESSION TIME: At work, I would park in the visitor parking (don't tell my boss) – the closest to the door you can possibly get. Even though my desk was super close to the door and even on the 1st floor, I still had to stop and take a break (sometimes two) before I got there because I couldn't breathe all that well. Don't laugh!
I tried to avoid any extra walking if at all possible which is sad because when you are so obese you especially need the exercise but oh the pain!
I remember yelling at my poor husband on more than one occasion, when he didn’t find a parking spot close enough to the door at the grocery store or something. Not only was it extremely painful to walk, but I had almost no energy. I would accomplish one single simple errand, such as grocery shopping on the weekend and I was literally done for the day. How crazy is that? (Things are thankfully so different now).
Emotionally it was also a struggle. I had extremely low self-esteem for letting myself go so to speak. I was miserable and I took it out on the people I loved the most. I hated who I was becoming and I especially loathed my gigantic body which felt like some enormous torture chamber I couldn’t escape from. Mirrors, clothes, and of course food were my bitter enemy.
And don’t even get me started on how horrible it is to have to shop for size 6x clothes which you can only find online. I mean did you even know they made clothes that big? Well they make them out of circus tents lol. But seriously you would not believe how expensive and extremely ugly said clothing is. Honestly there aren’t many choices once you are too fat for Lane Bryant and the like. Your options are mu-mus, other baggy grandma clothes. You can’t find anything not horrid for less than $100. I seriously don’t understand these misguided designers who decide it’s a really good idea to put a huge person in a brightly colored tent with polka dots and call it a shirt. What the hell people??!!!! We don’t need to stand out any more than we already do!
At my heaviest, I also was slowly becoming rather antisocial which is weird for me. Being in public was becoming just too embarrassing. I think that is one of the worst things about being fat. You can’t hide it – the world sees your problem. If you have a porn addiction it’s not like its written on your forehead.
Anyway, I couldn’t keep up with my friends when walking into a movie theatre for example which is sort of funny to think of now, but at the time it was hella humiliating. There were also less and less seats I could fit my giant booty into. Booths at restaurants were completely out of the question. If I could squeeze my ass into a seat, often it was very tight and uncomfortable and would leave giant bruises on my big ol’ thunder thighs. Not so fun peeps to see a play for you or your poor friend when you are kinda sitting on their lap.
Almost any social situation you can think of just became too stressful and difficult – if I didn’t know the place where I was going I just wouldn’t go to avoid a potentially horrific situation. It breaks my heart to think of all the plays, recitals, and other performances of loved ones that I missed because of my weight.
I was also letting the weight affect the most important relationships in my life - with my husband and my beautiful daughter (before my two boys were born). My wonderful husband married me heavy so it wasn’t like he was threatening to leave me or anything – he is amazing and loves me for me, but me not being happy caused a few problems like with intimacy for example due to my insecurities. Don’t worry, I’ll spare you the graphic details in that regard.
I also felt like I was less of a mother as I couldn’t keep up with my toddler like getting on the ground and playing with her and so forth. I made myself take her to places like parks, museums etc because there was no way in hell I was going to let my problems affect her, but it was becoming more and more painful and just flatout embarrassing for me to do so. I worried that I was an embarrassment to my friends and family.
Letting myself get up to almost 500 pounds just made my life WAY harder than it should have been. Ultimately, I was letting my weight issue prevent me from being the person, the wife, the mother, the friend and so on and so forth, that I wanted to be. Every moment of every day just made me want to stay in bed and just give up. My life was just so damn hard – unbearable even some days.
And I say all of this not to make you feel sorry for me (I loathe being pitied actually), but just to paint a picture if you will - show you a little bit of how it was to be nearly 500 pounds. I know some of my friends have told me from reading my blog entries how enlightening they were at times as they never could’ve imagined how hard it could be for an overweight person to do even everyday little things.
And I don’t know if you know this, but there are different levels of fatness. I know that sounds funny but I truly believe they exist. I know from firsthand experience that you don’t feel good whether you are 20 or 200 pounds overweight. No matter how much extra weight you may carry it sucks ass no matter what that number is, but in my humble opinion, there are differences which I like to think of as varying levels. One of those levels is when you are above 400 pounds which is where I got at my heaviest. I believe that places you in what I call, the CIRCUS FREAK category. And I'm not exaggerating very much here– anywhere you go – even just walking around a store or something, as polite as people try to be (and they certainly aren't all polite that’s for sure. There are definitely quite a few snickers – smart ass comments etc on occasion because some people are just assholes), but the point is you stand out. Children cannot help but stare which I can’t fault them for. You are sometimes the biggest individual they have seen in person. When you weigh as much as 2-3 people, it's just what happens. You almost can’t deal yourself with the horror you have become.
And just to be clear, I knew that my misery was self-inflicted (sheesh do you love how defensive I am!) But the fact that my misery was my own fault didn’t make my life any less miserable, trust me.
The tragedy of the situation for me (and perhaps for other overweight people who know), because the more weight I put on, the more depressed I got – and then I’d gain even more weight because eating is how I coped with depression. It was a vicious and never-ending cycle where I just got bigger and bigger.
Instead of totally giving up and eventually not being able fit in the car or wipe my own ass though, I thankfully took the bull by the horns and instead underwent a weight loss surgery – the duodenal switch back in 2015. And I must put out another disclaimer here. I know weight loss surgery certainly isn’t for everyone, you are altering your body drastically, and it isn’t the only solution by any means. It’s a super serious decision not to be made lightly, so I’m certainly not promoting or condoning it for everyone. I can tell you though that for me it was a game-changer – I feel it saved my life in so many ways. I will talk more about that weight loss surgery specifically in a different blog entry.
Since my weight loss surgery, I have lost 230 pounds so far as I mentioned in the beginning. Yeah that’s almost like 2 people (maybe 3 if we’re talking super models) that I’m lost so far so that’s cool. Hell yeah! I feel I’m gotten my life back and am becoming…well ME again in the last few years.
Since my weight loss surgery, I was about the same weight for a couple of years, but lately I've started putting a little back on. I can't let that happen. So I decided to start eating better and exercising.
I think blogging again will really help me. It is important to remember where you came from, where you are now, and where you want to end up.
Life at nearly 500 pounds was a NIGHTMARE. I'm not going back there again peeps!
I tried to avoid any extra walking if at all possible which is sad because when you are so obese you especially need the exercise but oh the pain!
I remember yelling at my poor husband on more than one occasion, when he didn’t find a parking spot close enough to the door at the grocery store or something. Not only was it extremely painful to walk, but I had almost no energy. I would accomplish one single simple errand, such as grocery shopping on the weekend and I was literally done for the day. How crazy is that? (Things are thankfully so different now).
Emotionally it was also a struggle. I had extremely low self-esteem for letting myself go so to speak. I was miserable and I took it out on the people I loved the most. I hated who I was becoming and I especially loathed my gigantic body which felt like some enormous torture chamber I couldn’t escape from. Mirrors, clothes, and of course food were my bitter enemy.
And don’t even get me started on how horrible it is to have to shop for size 6x clothes which you can only find online. I mean did you even know they made clothes that big? Well they make them out of circus tents lol. But seriously you would not believe how expensive and extremely ugly said clothing is. Honestly there aren’t many choices once you are too fat for Lane Bryant and the like. Your options are mu-mus, other baggy grandma clothes. You can’t find anything not horrid for less than $100. I seriously don’t understand these misguided designers who decide it’s a really good idea to put a huge person in a brightly colored tent with polka dots and call it a shirt. What the hell people??!!!! We don’t need to stand out any more than we already do!
At my heaviest, I also was slowly becoming rather antisocial which is weird for me. Being in public was becoming just too embarrassing. I think that is one of the worst things about being fat. You can’t hide it – the world sees your problem. If you have a porn addiction it’s not like its written on your forehead.
Anyway, I couldn’t keep up with my friends when walking into a movie theatre for example which is sort of funny to think of now, but at the time it was hella humiliating. There were also less and less seats I could fit my giant booty into. Booths at restaurants were completely out of the question. If I could squeeze my ass into a seat, often it was very tight and uncomfortable and would leave giant bruises on my big ol’ thunder thighs. Not so fun peeps to see a play for you or your poor friend when you are kinda sitting on their lap.
Almost any social situation you can think of just became too stressful and difficult – if I didn’t know the place where I was going I just wouldn’t go to avoid a potentially horrific situation. It breaks my heart to think of all the plays, recitals, and other performances of loved ones that I missed because of my weight.
I was also letting the weight affect the most important relationships in my life - with my husband and my beautiful daughter (before my two boys were born). My wonderful husband married me heavy so it wasn’t like he was threatening to leave me or anything – he is amazing and loves me for me, but me not being happy caused a few problems like with intimacy for example due to my insecurities. Don’t worry, I’ll spare you the graphic details in that regard.
I also felt like I was less of a mother as I couldn’t keep up with my toddler like getting on the ground and playing with her and so forth. I made myself take her to places like parks, museums etc because there was no way in hell I was going to let my problems affect her, but it was becoming more and more painful and just flatout embarrassing for me to do so. I worried that I was an embarrassment to my friends and family.
Letting myself get up to almost 500 pounds just made my life WAY harder than it should have been. Ultimately, I was letting my weight issue prevent me from being the person, the wife, the mother, the friend and so on and so forth, that I wanted to be. Every moment of every day just made me want to stay in bed and just give up. My life was just so damn hard – unbearable even some days.
And I say all of this not to make you feel sorry for me (I loathe being pitied actually), but just to paint a picture if you will - show you a little bit of how it was to be nearly 500 pounds. I know some of my friends have told me from reading my blog entries how enlightening they were at times as they never could’ve imagined how hard it could be for an overweight person to do even everyday little things.
And I don’t know if you know this, but there are different levels of fatness. I know that sounds funny but I truly believe they exist. I know from firsthand experience that you don’t feel good whether you are 20 or 200 pounds overweight. No matter how much extra weight you may carry it sucks ass no matter what that number is, but in my humble opinion, there are differences which I like to think of as varying levels. One of those levels is when you are above 400 pounds which is where I got at my heaviest. I believe that places you in what I call, the CIRCUS FREAK category. And I'm not exaggerating very much here– anywhere you go – even just walking around a store or something, as polite as people try to be (and they certainly aren't all polite that’s for sure. There are definitely quite a few snickers – smart ass comments etc on occasion because some people are just assholes), but the point is you stand out. Children cannot help but stare which I can’t fault them for. You are sometimes the biggest individual they have seen in person. When you weigh as much as 2-3 people, it's just what happens. You almost can’t deal yourself with the horror you have become.
And just to be clear, I knew that my misery was self-inflicted (sheesh do you love how defensive I am!) But the fact that my misery was my own fault didn’t make my life any less miserable, trust me.
The tragedy of the situation for me (and perhaps for other overweight people who know), because the more weight I put on, the more depressed I got – and then I’d gain even more weight because eating is how I coped with depression. It was a vicious and never-ending cycle where I just got bigger and bigger.
Instead of totally giving up and eventually not being able fit in the car or wipe my own ass though, I thankfully took the bull by the horns and instead underwent a weight loss surgery – the duodenal switch back in 2015. And I must put out another disclaimer here. I know weight loss surgery certainly isn’t for everyone, you are altering your body drastically, and it isn’t the only solution by any means. It’s a super serious decision not to be made lightly, so I’m certainly not promoting or condoning it for everyone. I can tell you though that for me it was a game-changer – I feel it saved my life in so many ways. I will talk more about that weight loss surgery specifically in a different blog entry.
Since my weight loss surgery, I have lost 230 pounds so far as I mentioned in the beginning. Yeah that’s almost like 2 people (maybe 3 if we’re talking super models) that I’m lost so far so that’s cool. Hell yeah! I feel I’m gotten my life back and am becoming…well ME again in the last few years.
Since my weight loss surgery, I was about the same weight for a couple of years, but lately I've started putting a little back on. I can't let that happen. So I decided to start eating better and exercising.
I think blogging again will really help me. It is important to remember where you came from, where you are now, and where you want to end up.
Life at nearly 500 pounds was a NIGHTMARE. I'm not going back there again peeps!
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